omg...

so last night was really horrible. I was up till like 5:30 throwing up at least 4 times throughout the night. It really was horrible. Not only did i get like no sleep last night but when i finally did get to sleep i slept through work. Other than that college is going okay. I think i need to go on some kind of drug though to help me concentrate, something to help with the anxiety. I think I should go the the counselor tomorrow but i dont really want to. I know its for my own good cause i cant let it go as fat as i did last time. I cant let that happen again. I can feel myself slipping back into those old ways. but whateves. i think i want to go home on the 19th but im not sure. one part of me says stay at school, theres lots to do here you dont have to go home. the other part of me cant help but think of the possibility of seeing her. now that i know shes not seeing anyone any more i cant help but think of us. sitting here now i am even thinking about her. the last time i saw her at my friends house. thinking about the softness of her skin and way it felt with her hand on my skin. i cant get these things out of my mind. am i a perv or what for thinking this...omg. she dosent even know how her touch makes me feel, almost like im floating. if only i could make her see without making her want to run away, i feel so selfish for that. i want her to like me so i know its ok for me to want her. i almost wish i could find someone at school already so i can save myself and her from me ...................................................................................... Wow i really need to talk about something else now.... what to talk about.......oh how about the riding team and about how i didnt make it onto the competition team :' ( sniff sniff that makes me very sad but at least i might get to ride fot the western team. if not ill have to stick with the club team which means like no riding while im at school. i dont know if i can survive without riding for much longer... hmm what else....ummm....some kinda good news i had this really old schwinn apple krate bike that i sold and got quite a bit of money for YEAH!!! $1,000 to be exact i dont know what im gonna do with that kinda money.... so many things i want to do..........well not much else going on with my life right now... im just taking it day to day at this point...... as usual trying to figure out who and what i am..................Peace Out!!!