no real subject

i wish the world was a better place , i wish people could be who they really are on the inside, i wish i could be that, but the world has left its mark on me, beaten me down, flattened me out, made me into a wallflower, noticed but never really the focus of any ones attention, just fading into the background, on the edge of perception, this is where i was meant to be the world tells me, but i a tired of being to odd one out, the third in a crowd, never really fitting in with anyone b/c no one is who they are, i think only a few people would miss me, yeah people would cry for a little while but after a day or two everyone would go back to normal, resume their daily lives and just forget, i hate that i have never made an impact on the world, something for people to remember me by, something people want to remember me for, millions of people get away with doing nothing but i don't want to be one of those people i want to affect change in the world i just don't know how, or when, or where.

life...

i could really use some coffee, time off, and a hug right now :' (

I miss my Jeaneatte!!!!

...

sorry nate. I really didn't mean what i said, or at least didn't mean to be so rude about it. i wanted to say that im giving up on karina, as in i know thats nothings gonna happen. also i wanted to say that she deserves someone good like you and i hope everything works out for you two.

rambles...

Hi all, i know its been a while but everything is going well. Classes arent to hard and im glad to be away from home for over a month now, Yeah! I am going home this weekend to see some people, like my bff Jeaneatte and Karina. I think i might be going to a football game and or band competion on saturday so that should be fun.

*this was from 9/17 it just never got posted

omg...

so last night was really horrible. I was up till like 5:30 throwing up at least 4 times throughout the night. It really was horrible. Not only did i get like no sleep last night but when i finally did get to sleep i slept through work. Other than that college is going okay. I think i need to go on some kind of drug though to help me concentrate, something to help with the anxiety. I think I should go the the counselor tomorrow but i dont really want to. I know its for my own good cause i cant let it go as fat as i did last time. I cant let that happen again. I can feel myself slipping back into those old ways. but whateves. i think i want to go home on the 19th but im not sure. one part of me says stay at school, theres lots to do here you dont have to go home. the other part of me cant help but think of the possibility of seeing her. now that i know shes not seeing anyone any more i cant help but think of us. sitting here now i am even thinking about her. the last time i saw her at my friends house. thinking about the softness of her skin and way it felt with her hand on my skin. i cant get these things out of my mind. am i a perv or what for thinking this...omg. she dosent even know how her touch makes me feel, almost like im floating. if only i could make her see without making her want to run away, i feel so selfish for that. i want her to like me so i know its ok for me to want her. i almost wish i could find someone at school already so i can save myself and her from me ...................................................................................... Wow i really need to talk about something else now.... what to talk about.......oh how about the riding team and about how i didnt make it onto the competition team :' ( sniff sniff that makes me very sad but at least i might get to ride fot the western team. if not ill have to stick with the club team which means like no riding while im at school. i dont know if i can survive without riding for much longer... hmm what else....ummm....some kinda good news i had this really old schwinn apple krate bike that i sold and got quite a bit of money for YEAH!!! $1,000 to be exact i dont know what im gonna do with that kinda money.... so many things i want to do..........well not much else going on with my life right now... im just taking it day to day at this point...... as usual trying to figure out who and what i am..................Peace Out!!!

hopeless romantic?

So last night I was sitting at my desk just kinda thinking about a lot of stuff. One of these pathetic thoughts included am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? This thought kinda scared me a little bit cause I really don't want that to happen. I know what a lot of people would say, omg your 18 you have your whole life ahead of you. But do I, that's the question. Anyway that's not the problem. The real problem is that I don't want to be alone now. I look around and many of my friends have someone to share their lives with, their hopes and dreams, and someone to talk to about their bad days. And yes I know I have good friends that would listen but they don't really listen. "Just a friend" is not gonna hold your hand at night as you fall asleep, or "whisper sweet nothings in my ear"(I know that one was corny but whateves), stand beside you to help you face this world, or do any of those things that a partner would do. This is what I want in my life, this is what I desperately need. The thing is I'm not that picky, nearly anyone would fill the role so I've decided the problem must be me. I need to learn how to put myself out there where real people are. Does anyone have advice about how to go about doing this? Maybe that's not the problem, maybe I don't even know what love is. Maybe I don't even know what I'm looking for to begin with? So how would I know if I found it? I wish there was an easy button for me to push cause I could really use it right about now. I am a monster who secretly dreams of beauty and love, secretly.

AHHHH....

So yesterday I did something I thought I never would have been able to do. I posted on facebook that I was coming "out" and i meant it. I guess i was scared that people would hate me for it or whatever. I don't really know why, I mean I usually don't care what people think about me. I was kinda expecting at least one person to confront me about it. That hasn't happened though, at least not yet. No one even said anything to me about it, but i guess that's for the best. I guess this only proves that no one really does care about me, but whateves. I'll get over it, I always do. It was a really big deal for me to let "everyone" know and even my parents treat it like its nothing. like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. My mom is in denial and my dad completely ignores the topic so I don't have anyone to talk to this kind of stuff. Well I guess I'll learn to deal just like with everything else.
Later Gaiter... lol

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