16 things

Directions:

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged. Okay, you don't HAVE to do this but it's fun.


1. peanut butter really does taste good with tomato or pickles

2. i dream of one day doing something really crazy like skydiving

3. there are some people in my life whom i could not live without

4. one day i would like to fall "in" love and get married and have a whole family of cats, dogs, and horses
(no kids)

5. i will meet said person in california while i live there for a summer at least

6. i think of myself as selfish and self-centered on the inside i just hide it well

7. i love college life

8. i hate christmas because of the music and having to wrap presents

9. i have a lot of secrets that i tell no one, but wish someone wanted to hear

10. a goal in my life is to save another, even if it kills me

11. sometimes im more afraid of living than dying, although the dark is my biggest fear, i have panic attacks in the dark sometimes

12. dont know what im doing with my life even when i day i do, dont even know if i wanna finish or go back to school

13. i wish i could have long hair again

14. im not sure if i remember who i am cause im always trying to act like someone else, i might have multiple personalities cause i have one for each group of friends

15. i have a habit of falling for the wrong kinda people

16. i thrive off of drama no matter how many times i say i dont

decisions

so now i am faced with a decision to make. do i fight for my right to go back to school or do i give in and try to find a way to move on at home. i miss my college friends terribly cause i never really had any friends at home there are not as many to miss. plus the newest crush is at school whom I'm determined to win over. this may seem like an impossible feet but i think i can manage. so the real dilemma i face is whether i want to continue schooling right away. i would love to continue at delval but don't know if i can afford it. on the other hand i might not be able to go back because of my grades and not having a place to live. if i can get everything figured out and get back onto campus there is still going to be the challenge of grades. maybe i should transfer to hacc for a year to get my gpa back up then go back to delval. that might work. if i do that i can work and go to school and when i have a better gpa i can go back the school of my choice. and hey now that i think about it the place i want to live in not that far from hacc maybe like ten minutes. it works out perfect. now my only problem is convincing rin she wants me to live there...

update

hello again my non existent readers, life has been crazy since my last chapter. And you know what that means.... yes..... it is possible......more drama. i think drama is just drawn to me. a couple weeks ago a couple friends and I were bored crazy and had the not so brilliant idea to try and find a place to drink. as it turns out we were not so great at that. so i had the brilliant idea to bring something back after thanksgiving break for a little after finals partayyy... again not a great idea but whateves. a week goes by and my roommate doesn't say a word then one night i decided to have just a little drink and she had a shit fit going on about where did i get it and all of this kinda stuff. after a minute though she calmed down and i left. the next night the same thing happened and this time without even saying anything to me she turned me into the ra annie. so now I'm in a whole shit load of trouble without a shovel to dig myself out. first i was given a 500 dollar fine, put on probation, mandated to alcohol awareness classes, and an online assignment about alcohol. but no that's not nearly all my friends... no no no... i was also kicked out of student housing thanks to that lovely contract i signed a few short weeks ago. and the icing on the cake is that I've failed not one but two of my "bullshit" 1 credit classes which lowered my gpa to a bad place. meaning I've lost my scholarship possibly. which also means that i might not be able to continue at delval due to not having enough money to cover tuition. oh but wait now that I think about it there are sprinkles on this cake i call life, and they're called mom. telling my mother all of this is going to be like torture. she will never let me forget this, how i fucked everything up and ruined my life according to her. maybe this isn't the end though, maybe this is only the beginning of something better. ha like that would ever happen, my life as i know it is over. after thinking about all of this I've come to one conclusion..... the problem is me. in every problem that i face the only negative component in me. solution... remove me from the equation, in other words don't be me be someone else. maybe if I'm someone else my bad luck will skip over me and ill land in some good news for a change. I'm open to advice at this point cause obviously everything I've tried has failed as of now so if you have read this and feel like leaving you two sense please do so. all comments are welcome, don't be shy now...

my epic life.....

So almost two weeks ago another chapter was added to the epic story I call my life. For all those who don't know I was in the hospital for the third, yes you heard right, the third time in the last year. All in all I was committed for a total of 7 days but was admitted for a total for 9 days. This all started on Oct. 28 when I was at the counselor at my school. Somehow she heard "I'm going to kill myself" and wanted to send me to the hospital. At this point I was really freaked out and having a panic attack cause I didn't want to go back to the hospital. so the counselor called security and I ran. Now that I look back running was probably the worst thing I could have done but whateves. So I ran and the security couldn't find me so they called the police...... no lie the police were actually there. Anyways I went back to my dorm after walking around for a little while and when the security finally came back to my room I was patiently waiting there for them. Two minutes after security showed up 6 police officers ran into my room and basically had a shit fit. One of the officers grabbed my arm and lol big surprise I tried to run again. It didn't work to well this time though. It took two officers to drag me to the ground and hand cuff me. After that I was dragged out of my room and taken to the hospital. From there I was court ordered to the hospital for a min of three days and then another 7 days after that. Not only did I miss 7 days of school I was also temporarily kicked out of school. So I was released from the hospital on Thursday, exactly 2 days after voting day, which pissed me off to noooooo end. Apparently there is no way for people in the hospital to vote, yet another bullshit rule in the government. Anyways I'm still excited about the results.....Yeah Obama!!!!! Yes We Did!!! So after I got out I went home for the weekend since I was still not allowed to live in the dorm yet. Thursday I was chillin at Rin's house and shes had this great idea how to recycle plastic bags by crocheting them. The first attempt turned into a really cute hat so well see where it goes from there. Friday I spent with my mom for a while. yeah for shopping!!! Saturday I got my hair cut and hung out with Jeaneatte and had a whole bunch of fun. And Sunday it was back to school, thank god! I missed home but 5 days is a long time to be home. So I'm back at school now and have a huge amount of work to do... ugh.

here for now gone tomorrow

A lot had happened since my last entry so im gonna try an cover at least some of it. here we go...
will finish tomorrow

no real subject

i wish the world was a better place , i wish people could be who they really are on the inside, i wish i could be that, but the world has left its mark on me, beaten me down, flattened me out, made me into a wallflower, noticed but never really the focus of any ones attention, just fading into the background, on the edge of perception, this is where i was meant to be the world tells me, but i a tired of being to odd one out, the third in a crowd, never really fitting in with anyone b/c no one is who they are, i think only a few people would miss me, yeah people would cry for a little while but after a day or two everyone would go back to normal, resume their daily lives and just forget, i hate that i have never made an impact on the world, something for people to remember me by, something people want to remember me for, millions of people get away with doing nothing but i don't want to be one of those people i want to affect change in the world i just don't know how, or when, or where.

life...

i could really use some coffee, time off, and a hug right now :' (

I miss my Jeaneatte!!!!

...

sorry nate. I really didn't mean what i said, or at least didn't mean to be so rude about it. i wanted to say that im giving up on karina, as in i know thats nothings gonna happen. also i wanted to say that she deserves someone good like you and i hope everything works out for you two.

rambles...

Hi all, i know its been a while but everything is going well. Classes arent to hard and im glad to be away from home for over a month now, Yeah! I am going home this weekend to see some people, like my bff Jeaneatte and Karina. I think i might be going to a football game and or band competion on saturday so that should be fun.

*this was from 9/17 it just never got posted

omg...

so last night was really horrible. I was up till like 5:30 throwing up at least 4 times throughout the night. It really was horrible. Not only did i get like no sleep last night but when i finally did get to sleep i slept through work. Other than that college is going okay. I think i need to go on some kind of drug though to help me concentrate, something to help with the anxiety. I think I should go the the counselor tomorrow but i dont really want to. I know its for my own good cause i cant let it go as fat as i did last time. I cant let that happen again. I can feel myself slipping back into those old ways. but whateves. i think i want to go home on the 19th but im not sure. one part of me says stay at school, theres lots to do here you dont have to go home. the other part of me cant help but think of the possibility of seeing her. now that i know shes not seeing anyone any more i cant help but think of us. sitting here now i am even thinking about her. the last time i saw her at my friends house. thinking about the softness of her skin and way it felt with her hand on my skin. i cant get these things out of my mind. am i a perv or what for thinking this...omg. she dosent even know how her touch makes me feel, almost like im floating. if only i could make her see without making her want to run away, i feel so selfish for that. i want her to like me so i know its ok for me to want her. i almost wish i could find someone at school already so i can save myself and her from me ...................................................................................... Wow i really need to talk about something else now.... what to talk about.......oh how about the riding team and about how i didnt make it onto the competition team :' ( sniff sniff that makes me very sad but at least i might get to ride fot the western team. if not ill have to stick with the club team which means like no riding while im at school. i dont know if i can survive without riding for much longer... hmm what else....ummm....some kinda good news i had this really old schwinn apple krate bike that i sold and got quite a bit of money for YEAH!!! $1,000 to be exact i dont know what im gonna do with that kinda money.... so many things i want to do..........well not much else going on with my life right now... im just taking it day to day at this point...... as usual trying to figure out who and what i am..................Peace Out!!!

hopeless romantic?

So last night I was sitting at my desk just kinda thinking about a lot of stuff. One of these pathetic thoughts included am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? This thought kinda scared me a little bit cause I really don't want that to happen. I know what a lot of people would say, omg your 18 you have your whole life ahead of you. But do I, that's the question. Anyway that's not the problem. The real problem is that I don't want to be alone now. I look around and many of my friends have someone to share their lives with, their hopes and dreams, and someone to talk to about their bad days. And yes I know I have good friends that would listen but they don't really listen. "Just a friend" is not gonna hold your hand at night as you fall asleep, or "whisper sweet nothings in my ear"(I know that one was corny but whateves), stand beside you to help you face this world, or do any of those things that a partner would do. This is what I want in my life, this is what I desperately need. The thing is I'm not that picky, nearly anyone would fill the role so I've decided the problem must be me. I need to learn how to put myself out there where real people are. Does anyone have advice about how to go about doing this? Maybe that's not the problem, maybe I don't even know what love is. Maybe I don't even know what I'm looking for to begin with? So how would I know if I found it? I wish there was an easy button for me to push cause I could really use it right about now. I am a monster who secretly dreams of beauty and love, secretly.

AHHHH....

So yesterday I did something I thought I never would have been able to do. I posted on facebook that I was coming "out" and i meant it. I guess i was scared that people would hate me for it or whatever. I don't really know why, I mean I usually don't care what people think about me. I was kinda expecting at least one person to confront me about it. That hasn't happened though, at least not yet. No one even said anything to me about it, but i guess that's for the best. I guess this only proves that no one really does care about me, but whateves. I'll get over it, I always do. It was a really big deal for me to let "everyone" know and even my parents treat it like its nothing. like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. My mom is in denial and my dad completely ignores the topic so I don't have anyone to talk to this kind of stuff. Well I guess I'll learn to deal just like with everything else.
Later Gaiter... lol

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Hi all! Wow yesterday really was some day. I had three classes during the day than got called on duty for barn work, ugh! It wasn't that bad but I was hoping to have gone into the city last night, oh well. After work was over a couple friends and I went to applebees for a late dinner. Unfortunate for me I was to supposed to have an early night due to work this morning at 6 AM. Which means I had to get up at 5:30. Waking up that early isn't that bad on a whole but doing it after not being able to fall asleep till like 3 AM is torture! I was like the walking dead. Not only did I work 6-11 but I had to go back for the feed shift at 3-5 and again at 9 to close up for the night. I'm exhausted! Oh well I'm over that now, I have tomorrow to look forward to.
*this was from 8/30 i just never posted it

My poems...

As i sit here thinking of the day,
Of the fateful day I will get to say,
"I'm leaving now, gone away from this place"
and no thoughts of here would cloud my place.

If only they knew, If only they cared,
the pain inside they wouldn't have dared,
to let me be, to let me stay free.
But know I'm in here, behind locked door,
My way to deal had been so poor,
I feel like I'm dying,
Cant help from the crying
I'm loosing myself, confined to the shelf
the broken pieces of my heart,
afraid that I have lost the part,
that holds my love and helped me be loved.
I know that I now hold the card
Why must these choices be so hard
Am I chosen pick,
of the worlds cruelst pick.


From behind my shield of pain,
I long again to feel the rain.
To the world it hids my crying,
And the fact I'm slowly dying.

My anger and frustration show,
To hide the emotions deep below.
Shame and fear beside it hide,
A secret, not known to the world outside.
They are mine alone to bear,
If let out they will no dout scare,
The ones I love, they wont believe,
The pain that lies inside of me.

I'm leaving now, gone away from this place.
The world my life I can no longer face.
The reason why is hard to say
I've failed at life, I chouldn't stay.
When I am gone I want you to know,
You must move on, you have to let go.
I felt like this was my last and only choice,
Remember my face....remember my voice.
There's no one to blame, the fault is my own,
I was confused and afraid, I felt all alone.
The people I loved I know they card,

this one is now quite done a finished version is soon to come!

Am i ready for this?

Coda by Dorothy Parker

There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine,
This living,this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the strugle,and sparse is
The grain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
Aks the rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?

If you understand this poem you might catch a glimpse of what im all about.

Anyways.... Yeah im in college now!!! classes started monday and i actually kinda like what im taking. At least enough to keep me interested. My room mate and i seem to get along pretty well....even though shes a meat eater. (not in the dirty way). I have lots of free time now to kinda just do whatever and i like living on my own (sort of at least). I'm starting to meet some really cool people but i still havent really met a "special" someone yet. Not that im looking that much, but hey i always have my eyes open, lol. Another plus is my work study at the barn which means i can spend as much time as i want to at the barn, yeah :-) There are some pretty amazing horses here including some cute little large ponies which i love already. Im kinda already becoming insecure about my choice of major and college though. I love it here but im not quite sure school is the place for me.
i end today with one last dorothy parker poem

If wild my breast and sore my pride
I bask in dreams of suicide,
If cool my heart and high my head
I think "How lucky are the dead!"